FROM THE LENSE OF SACRED SEXUALITY
Ah, the search for Mr. Right: it can be as frustrating as trying to chase down a straight guy. If I’ve discovered anything through tantric embodiment & sacred sexuality practice, I’ve discovered what feels romantically – and sexually – authentic to me. I know more than ever before about what gets me feeling in the mood, what doesn’t, who I am willing to give my precious sexual energy to, and who I’m a fuck no for. So buckle up big boy, because I’m about to take you on a ride into my top 5 unconventional things not to do to attract your right guy.
That’s right, not THE right guy, YOUR right guy. Like some heart stopper, melt your heart, best-sex-of-your-life type Mr Right.
1. Stop Protecting
When you don’t know deep inside of you that you’re deserving of love; when you think that part of you is unloveable or unworthy, it’s tempting to not show up as all of you. Whether we are aware of it or not, chances are, if you haven’t done the inner-work to feel into your true worthiness, you’ll likely avoid vulnerability to protect those parts of you that you think don’t deserve to be seen. This can be on a physical body image level, all the way through to hidden emotional wounding. The depth of connection in relationships comes from feeling like you can be 100% yourself and that all of you, even the stickier parts, get to be loved.
In order to be seen for who you are, those layers have to gently come down. How else will the man of your dreams see your light?
It’s not until years later that I can see how I protected myself intensely in my early 20’s. I avoided dating apps, being ‘too loud’ in public spaces, or changing my voice to avoid talking ‘too femininely’. I was protecting myself from being fully seen because a part of me felt ashamed. Even though I was chasing love, I didn’t believe I was worthy to find it, and so it didn’t come. The more I started owning the parts of me that felt unfinished, or imperfect, or strange, the better my intimate relationships became. Like clockwork, each one seemed better than the one before. I went from a place of attracting NO ONE, to attracting guys that were matching my level of vulnerability. The more layers I took away, the more emotionally conscious, loving and connected the guys I met became. Was anyone “perfect”? Of course not, we’re all human, but the quality of my relationships started blossoming so beautifully.
As much as I absolutely hate to use a cliche, I FIRMLY believe in this…come on you know where this is going…In the words of the goddess herself “If you don’t love yourself how THE HELL are you gonna love somebody else!?”. Thanks Rupaul. Every queer human should embody this.
2. Not Honouring your No
Not honouring your no is coding the universe against your favour. By saying a strong ‘fuck no’ to what you truly don’t want, you’re saying a definitive “hell yes” to what you do want. Don’t accept second best…unless ofcourse, that’s what you want.
I’ve been there. I’ve ‘stuck in there’ for shitty sexual partners because it was all I seemed to be getting at the time. And every time I settled for that lacklustre connection that I KNEW I didn’t truly want, I was ordering more of the same from the universe. As point #1 explained, I HAD TO CHANGE what I was putting out, to change what I was getting back in. Have you ever watched anything by Abraham Hicks on youtube? They get it.
In 2022 when the word “manifesting” is mainstream it’s not The Secret anymore to know that eroding your own desires by saying “it’s good enough” is asking for a life of mediocre relationships. Now, did you want Mr Right? Or Mr Good Enough?
3. Chasing Performance (and OH YES I mean in the bedroom)
Trying to chase the goals of ejaculation and genital orgasm as though that’s the marker of success is fully missing out on the journey of intimacy. It’s a great way to miss seeing the depths of your intimate partner(s) and staying at the first layer of erotic connection – which is exciting and fun, but which won’t give you that soul-nourishing bond you’re here for. You’re not being in the gooey-gorgeous connection with your partner(s) if what you’re essentially trying to do during sex, is get to the end. Orgasm feels good. Cumming is hot, and it’s fun. What though, is in the space before you get there? This is the connection, the erotic journey and the opening to your partner(s). It is in this journey where we get to be with the peaks and valley’s of our erotic current, and start seeing more soul spark in our intimacy.
A GREAT WAY TO CREATE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY, IS TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET TO THE CUMMING PART
Did you know that human arousal doesn’t build linearly? If you graphed your arousal over the period of an intimate encounter it does not grow in a constant straight line from unaroused to ejaculation. In actuality, it’s more like a wave with many peaks and valleys. Your hard-on WILL LIKELY shift between hard and less-hard as you move between these peaks and valleys. It’s in the valleys where the potential for non-ejaculatory whole body orgasms can occur (but I’ll save that for another blog post). Most guys will never know that because they’re too busy trying to be hard or feeling as though they’re ‘doing it wrong’ because they’re not as hard as they were 5 minutes ago. Porn culture has a lot to answer for here, making us subconsciously assume that “my penis should be hard and stay hard”, and that “cumming is always the goal”.
This blog, and everything Andreas Embodiment stands for is SO NOT THIS. So please, if you resonate with sacred sexuality, KNOW that there is so much more in the space beyond chasing performance. This is where the depth of your being gets to be seen. This is where your erotic current can take you into deep, orgasmic states of connection with your Mr. Right even when no one has a boner, or one of you do, or both of you do. The more we surrender to the mystery, let go of the need to control our sexual experience, and create a space of safety with our sexual partner(s) to be in our peaks and valleys together, the better our sex will be.
FUCK NO to the performance piece.
FUCK NO to “making it sexy” by replicating what you’ve seen on pornhub, the TV or in the movies (what about YOUR SEXY!?)
INSTEAD deeply listen to what your authentic truth is in the bedroom, in the moment, and allow that erotic current to take you into where it wants to go. When you do this, you are creating depth of connection with your sexual partner, and encouraging that connection to be one you’ll deeply nourish. Now that sounds sexy to me. Now that sounds like a Mr. Right kinda date night.
4. Not owning YOU 100%
This is an apologetic expression of yourself; not owning your essence, your quirks and individuality that make you you. As queer men we’ve heard this all before, but I truly believe that even if you’re “out and proud” we get swept up into the gay subcultures that exist in our community. I think these subcultures are useful, but becoming attached to them is at the risk of putting yourself back into another box.
WHAT IF I consider myself a twink but there’s parts of me that goes completely against this narrative and how twinks act? WHAT IF I’m really farking gay. Like SUPER gay – is that okay? Farking own it baby. Stay safe out there – the world is wild – but own it, as much as you can, UNAPOLOGETICALLY. Stand for being exactly as you are. There’s no one here you need to be reigning it in for, turning it up for, or changing yourself for. You want to attract a guy that sees you, that IS YOUR right guy? – Then own your essence, because everything else is boring, and you’re not here to be everyone else.
Which leads me into my last point…
5. Fuck the stereotypes BIG TIME!?
A little harsh Gretch? Okay, fair.
Once again I will graciously acknowledge that gay subcultures and stereotypes do allow us to find community, commonality and meaning. Some of us subscribe ourselves to them, and some of us make a point of despising them.
Ultimately, if you’re a bear-pig-wolf and that makes you feel more you, then go for it. I challenge you though to explore the aspects of you that are beyond that. What is beyond those labels? Do you want to be seen exclusively for what those labels suggest, or do you want to attract someone that loves the aspects of you within AND outside of the boundaries and expectations the labels put on you?
If you’re against the labelling, or perhaps like me, hadn’t really thought about what you might be – I encourage you to start finding the sexiness that exists within them. Maybe embracing your inner otter will bring out a part of you that has been suppressed, or laying dormant.
Find the middle ground here. I believe there’s a place where these gay labels can add value to your experience, and you get to stay free to explore yourself beyond them. When you do this YOU WILL START SEEING OTHER GUYS beyond these labels too. And hey, even if you said you could never be with “a twink”, the man of your dreams might just be a twink after all…because that’s just one layer deep, and you’re seeing beyond it.
Okay let’s summarise this bad boy.
- Protecting yourself will only stop you from being seen by the right guy,
- Not honouring your no is like saying yes to second best,
- Exclusively chasing performance in the bedroom will stop you from finding the deep erotic connection you deserve – and keep your sex life in superficial territory,
- Now owning yourself 100% is like asking to meet a guy that won’t be able to see the true you,
- Finding a balance in the fun of gay stereotypes/ labels AND what lies beyond these roles, will help you start seeing the men around you more holistically – and open up who you believe is a possibility.
Written by Andreas
He is a sacred sexuality coach for GBTQ+ men. Andreas teaches mens nude yoga, tantric-energetic nude yoga, and guided tantric self intimacy online, all across the world.
P.S – his free online space for GBTQ+ men to discuss all things queer sex, intimacy and sacred sexuality is here on telegram. It’s completely uncensored, NSFW and 18+ only. Come join the boys.